So, I was without a computer for awhile. And then I was depressed and simply did not have the strength to force myself to write a blog post and then write articles for work. Every day I would look at my little bookmark on my bookmark bar and think, “Yep. I’m failing my readers by not writing anything.” And every time I opened a new post to try and write, I was unable to write anything because…
Guilty As Self Taught
I’m one of those people who feels a great sense of responsibility whenever I undertake a new task. Perhaps it is a little overblown, but when I feel like the success or failure of something depends on me, I take that very seriously. This blog is not just a personal pursuit that I decided to do for my own satisfaction. I wanted to make some kind of connection with people that I knew I would never have the chance to meet otherwise.
You and I may never shake hands or have a conversation over coffee, but when you read something I’ve written (perhaps while you’re drinking a hot coffee from Starbucks while looking at your phone) then that is a type of connection we have together. If you know anything about WordPress, then you know that it tracks stats on readership for you. When someone clicks through to my blog and reads a post, that shows up as a stat on my dashboard. For me, it isn’t about the numbers. It’s about the number of times we were able to have a discussion.
So when I am unable to write anything, I feel guilty. I feel live I’ve let you down, whoever you may be. You may (or may not) think that’s a stupid idea. Maybe it is. But over the years I have discovered that this guilt affects me no matter what. I am very good at feeling guilty. I was raised Catholic, if you know how that joke goes. Guilt is practically part of my DNA. Even if there is no reason for me to feel guilty, I still probably feel guilty. In that way, it is largely a self-inflicted injury.
(Yes, it is totally okay to sing the song to yourself now)
I put too much pressure on myself, or at least that’s what my wife tells me. I know it is something that I have to work on. This kind of attitude about life is crippling and unhealthy. Nevertheless, I would not trade trying to do the best I possibly can for a carefree attitude that did not result in (even sporadic) greatness.
(Not saying I’ve ever done anything “great,” just saying that that’s what I want to achieve someday.)
So this is an apology. I’m sorry that I haven’t written in awhile. But I’m back. And hopefully I’ll do better at posting regularly from now on. Thank you for our conversations. They really do make it all worth it.