My mother has many told me two things. One, that God does not give us things we can’t handle and two, that God leaves us alone when we don’t want him. God is infinitely polite like that, as well as a good manager. He doesn’t need us, so he has the luxury of not depending on us and not overwhelming us with work. It has only been recently that I started understanding why these two facts were so important. Perhaps it is because I’m an “adult” now and am experiencing things like being managed at work and being in a relationship.
What You Can Handle
As my mother and I have grown together, I have often had cause to remind her of her own wise words. Last time we Skyped, she and I talked about how overwhelmed she felt and I told her God was not overwhelming her. She replied that, “I wish God didn’t trust me so much.”
That’s the rub, isn’t it? God knows us better than we know ourselves. When shit happens (pardon me) he knows exactly what we are capable of and usually it is so much more than we believe is possible. I have always thought it was fascinating how much we humans overvalue our importance but underestimate our capabilties. Perhaps God is the only being anywhere who truly knows us and truly values us appropriately.
For myself, things are tough. I remain happy and positive for the most part, ut I have to admit that I am struggling with things. Life is like that sometimes and there is very little you can do except roll with the punches and remember your footwork. Do what you must as you can and let the rest of it happen as it will. That’s what I’ve been trying to do. Like my mom, I’m inclined to wish God didn’t trust me so much. But I guess that when I’m not whinging, I’m also grateful to know just how much he thinks of me.
At the same time, I feel as though I’ve perhaps asked God to leave me alone a bit. Like that friend you know will always be there for you, I have ignored him. I try to make these blog posts a sort of daily text message of sorts, a check in to let God know I’m still thinking of him. Or at least trying to think like him. I love the time that I have to create these posts and what it does for me. I feel better when I’m able to write and to orient my brain towards a form of godliness. Other than that, though, I have not spent much time with God.
And God has let me alone. I know he is always there. Recently, I’ve read a few things with the sentiment that God is there no matter what. I think the one that hit me hardest was “No one is cut off from God.” Being gay, that’s not something I hear a lot of. Being me, it’s not something I have ever really believed. But I’m getting better at that. Right now, I’m thankful that God is always there, but also that he is polite enough to let me be when I need it. That kind of friendliness is a good relationship to have.
Learn By Example
As usual, I’m sitting here thinking that it would be so much better if I were more like God. I don’t want to be God (sounds overwhelming), but since he is my example for everything, I wish I was doing a better job of emulating him.
When I leave people alone, it probably feels more like desertion than space. I tend to shut people out completely. I’m pretty good at ignoring people and losing myself off from them. That was pretty handy when I had to study in the library or concentrate on a task, but it’s not that great for relationships. I remember when my mother had to teach me as a young kid how to pay attention to my surroundings so I would avoid bumping into people or being unconsciously rude. That should tell you something. God is never rude. Even when he gives you space, he remains perfectly polite about it and always ready to jump back in in just the way you need or the way you ask him to.
On the other hand, there are some people that I never want to leave alone. My partner is one of those people. Even when she needs some space, I find it difficult to do. There’s almost a fear of letting her alone, as if she’s going to forget me or find someone better if I’m not there. Perhaps I don’t trust her enough. And yet, while I absolutely understand the need for space from a self-centerd context, it’s hard for me to give it to others. Not very God-like, is it?
I have so much to learn. Not just about being an “adult” (something I’ve been long enough to be better at it), but about work and life and love. Hopefully, I don’t lose sight of the only perfect example in all those things.