Life’s Lemons are Sometimes Still Lemons

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Right. So I got an email from my good friend Moxie last week wondering why she wasn’t receiving my posts anymore. She thought it was a technical problem. Technically, the problem was me.

Stay(Away)cation

I simply have not been writing recently. And by recently I think I mean the last month. Work has ground to a halt, though our staff meeting tomorrow may provide some inspiration to pony-up again. I have not had the energy to blog at all. And my brain is struggling with more than a few moral and relationship quandaries as of late that have made me hesitant to be open about them.

Sometimes you just need a vacation from your brain.

Which is exactly what I’ve done recently. I started working out, eating better, cooking manic-ly (I’m baking cornbread right this second), being a house-partner, and reading a lot. I’ve been introverting, as I told the Atheist Wife yesterday. Mostly i’ve been introverting from the world on the internet. And I think it’s been an okay thing to do. I’m getting in better physical shape and mentally I’m approaching where I need to be in regards actually living life as it is. 

Brain Freeze

Looking at my intellectual life, however, it looks a little chaotic. Mentally I’m just not in the right headspace to write like I’m used to doing. Every little word is a piece of energy being expended, energy I haven’t had recently. Resting hasn’t seemed to make it better, though. Instead it’s allowed for less restoration and more quandary considerations. 

If I had my way, I would simply stop thinking for a day – a full 24 hours of no brain activity beyond unconscious, life sustaining synapses. Maybe then I would feel better. Until then, I think the best plan is simply to unload. And that’s what this blog is supposed to be for, right?

Leaning Out

This is a mostly religious-focused blog, right? Or at least that is what it’s billed as. I will probably have to change the description after this post, for reasons you will soon understand. 

You see, I’m not religious anymore. In fact, I am a-religious, meaning “without religion.” I don’t believe in religion. I don’t believe that organized religion improves the world, nor that it has any place in my life. I’ve talked about this before, I think, or at least I’ve touched on some of the thoughts involved in the concept. But I haven’t really confirmed it blatantly. Consider this a disavowal of organized religion. 

Which brings me to a second really big point that I have resisted discussing at all for a very long time: I no longer identify myself as a Christian. Now, that needs some serious explaining, because it isn’t as obvious as that sentence seems to be. 

I still follow Christ. I believe he is the Son of God and that he is the way, the truth, and the life. But religion makes Jesus feel more like… like a poison that a healer. I do not recognize Christ in the Christian faith. For that reason, I cannot call myself a Christian. Were I to do so, most people would think I was something I’m not. I do not share Christians’ belief in evangelizing, in enforcing their beliefs on others, in using what should be the ultimate good as a tool to destroy (literally) other human beings. I think that we’ve lost what “Christian” is supposed to be. We no longer follow Christ. We follow ourselves and call it God’s will. The religion of Christianity is nothing more than idolatry of the self. 

Yet Another Clarification

Having made that pronouncement so boldly, I want to say that this is merely my own conclusion. For those people who still believe in Christianity and who find good in it for their lives, a good that makes them and the world better, then I am glad of that. I do not want to talk anyone out of that belief. But I can’t do it anymore. To represent myself otherwise in my life and on this blog would be lying. I don’t want to lie to anyone, especially not the people who read this blog who are my friends. 

Lately I’ve been toying with the idea of exploring Buddhism. I don’t know too much about it beyond a cursory “I read about it in high school” kind of way. I read Siddhartha last year and fell in love with it and with the Buddhist precepts in it. Since then, I’ve been learning more and I’ve gotten to the point that I want to really learn in a focused way. Buddhism is a religion, but it can be treated as a philosophy, which is mostly what I do when I think about it (and what many others do, too).

I know that some people will find this hypocritical of me. In some ways, I do, too. I am a work in progress, not a finished project. 

Anyway, thanks for reading and for going with me on this journey. Now you understand why I’ll have to change some things on this site. True to life, the blog gets a makeover at the same time I do. Welcome to my brain. It’s a terrible place. How I’d love to take a vacation…

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